Breakups can be sad, but sometimes tears are the price we pay for the freedom we need. Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. Things we’re gonna discuss are not going easy to do or maybe impossible tasks but one needs to do these things for a speedy recovery.
1. DON’T STAY BITTER
Wallowing for too long isn’t healthy, but neither is holding onto your anger. “Stamping out your good memories don’t help you get over the breakup faster,” Newman says. “Conjuring up feelings of loathing or contempt won’t resolve what happened between you and your ex.” That loathing will only set you back in the healing process and it certainly won’t make you seem open to new love down the road. This is ultimately away from your friends and relatives due to your angry behavior.
2. DON’T REMAIN FRIENDS ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Not everybody has the willpower essential, not even superheroes to simply avoid visiting an ex’s profile. That’s what the unfriend and block buttons are for. “It’s too hard to get over something if you have access to them,” Bela Gandhi, founder, and CEO of the Chicago-based Smart Dating Academy says. “You’ll put yourself in a world of misery watching your ex re-emerge on the scene. Your own pain is hard enough to deal with and to feel that your ex has moved on will only add another layer of devastation.” If the idea of totally unfriending or blocking someone feels too final, don’t freak out: “You can always add them back later,” notes Gandhi. And like we know Gandhi never said anything wrong.
3. NEVER SEEK THEM OUT ON SOCIAL NETWORK SITES
We know this is the most uneasy thing to stop yourself from seeking them on SNS but moving on in the age of Instagram and Facebook can feel like an impossible task. Which is why, post-breakup, your ex’s profiles should remain off-limits. To keep you from wandering away from your feed (and onto their page), “I definitely recommend performing a thorough online exorcism in the weeks after a breakup,” says Lisa Steadman, relationship expert and author of It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown. That means unfollowing them on Facebook, muting them on Twitter, and untagging any photos of the two of you together. “It’s just easier for you to not constantly see what they’re up to, who they’re with, and what their life is like without you in it.” We suggest you better to stay away from SNS, find some activities to do which can distract your minds.
4. DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO THEIR NEW PARTNER
Don’t beat yourself up if you see that they’re happy with someone else. Their happiness says nothing about your worth as a person, all it says is that they’ve found someone they are more compatible with, which you’re more than capable of doing, same. Hard to do, but how much you ignore about your Ex’s – life will get smoother.
5. DON’T WALLOW
At the beginning period of the break-up, “the best thing you can do is to let yourself feel it all the way,” says Wendy Newman, dating expert and author of 121 First Dates. “Hide under the covers with your two good friends, Ben & Jerry. Cry, pout, tell your friends about it for a couple of days (four max). Let them love you up and tell you-you’re magnificent.” But once the official mourning period is over, it’s time to clear your head. “Get up, go for a run, or walk somewhere beautiful,” Newman suggests. “You can appreciate the good times, but to really help you get over a breakup, think through all the parts of that relationship that just didn’t work for you and put those ‘never again’ items on your dating criteria list for next time.”
6. DON’T ASK MUTUAL FRIENDS ABOUT THEM
Finding rebound is better than to stay interested in ex’s life. “The single biggest mistake I see people make after a breakup is that they focus on what’s next for their ex rather than what’s possible for themselves,” Steadman says. “Whether that involves obsessive thoughts or asking friends about them, stop! The truth is, you have no control over what’s next for your ex. So why spend any energy, emotions, or time in that space?” Instead, she suggests, do something that makes you happy. What’s most important right now is to get in touch again with who you are as an individual, outside of any link.
7. DON’T IGNORE YOURSELF
When you’re depressed, cooking a healthy meal, heading to the yoga class you used to love, or hitting the sack by 10 p.m. can seem like giant undertakings. But those very necessary acts of taking care of self will not or may go a long way towards making you feel better. At the very least, the sense of accomplishment will give you a boost of confidence, which is something you need more than ever right forthwith.
8. DON’T IMMEDIATELY TRY TO BE FRIENDS
It is possible to be friends with an ex, Newman says, with a couple of major caveats. Beginning, “be sure to give each other space at the beginning. You need to fully separate and move past the pain of the split,” she advises. Once you’re both in a healthier place if you still feel the urge to reconnect, think as critically as possible about your dynamic before you jump into a platonic friendship. “This only works if you both meant well and were generally kind to each other throughout the relationship,” she says. “If you cared for each other but fundamentally weren’t a match or you grew apart, there’s no good reason to throw away a potential friendship.” But, Newman cautions, “if your relationship was a total shitshow, or if you brought out the worst qualities in one another, walking away with whatever lessons you learned is probably best.”
9. DON’T PRETEND EVERYTHING’S OK
Wallowing for weeks or even months on end isn’t healthy or productive but neither is minimizing or ignoring the very real pain you’re feeling. “Be compassionate with yourself,” Steadman says. “You can’t shortcut the grieving process. It’s real.” You don’t have to broadcast your emotions to the world, but Steadman suggests opening up to at least a couple of pals: “Feel your feelings and recruit a ‘Boohoo Crew’, a small group of trusted friends who you know are there for you and who will help you get through it.”
10. DON’T LET IT AFFECT WORK
If you find yourself slacking off because you’re either too distracted or too upset to focus on the tasks at hand, it’s time to take action. Opening up to a trusted colleague or supervisor, if you feel comfortable doing so it can help. If your office support system isn’t enough, it may be time to seek professional help. Knowing that you’ll have a dedicated 45 minutes or an hour every week to hash things out in a safe space may make it easier to focus on the stuff right in front of you.
11. DON’T LET IT AFFECT YOUR SOCIAL LIFE
Once again, show yourself the compassion that your friends will once you venture out again. Nobody expects you to emerge from your grief-cocoon as a full-on social butterfly; if they’re your friends, they’ll just want to see how you’re doing. Mutual friends are trickier, but if they’re making a clear effort to keep up the relationship and you trust yourself to not bug them for intel about your ex then, by all means, go forth and bond.
12. DON’T IMMEDIATELY START DATING AGAIN
After a breakup, you need to focus on you & your goals, your priorities, and your happiness. Getting right back into the dating pool might seem like a good distraction, but right now, it’s more important to give yourself the space you need to heal and reconnect with yourself as an individual. Oh, and whatever you do, do NOT start seeing someone new in an effort to make your ex jealous. By doing that, you’re just letting them dictate your actions from afar, instead of letting yourself live life on your terms.
13. DON’T CLOSE YOURSELF OFF
In the short period and certainly, while you’re still healing it may seem smart to prioritize self-preservation. But if you shut yourself off from new possibilities for too long, the happiness you’ve worked so hard to find will start to feel more and more unattainable.
14. DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME
Don’t waste any more time thinking about what their life might be like now. Right now, your focus should be on you and you alone. “Spend time with the people who elevate you,” says Gandhi. “And seeing a professional always helps. Having them guide you through your feelings in an objective way can save you from beating yourself up and from making the same mistakes over and over again.”
15. DON’T DRUNK DIAL YOUR EX
Wow, this is gonna be serious. Never recall your ex after drinking or better however, just delete their number.
16. DON’T REHASH THE PAST
Make the break a clean one. Don’t keep meeting up in the hopes of finding the closure that you may or may not eventually get. “Staying in touch just prolongs the agony of the breakup,” says Gandhi. “Or, worse, it can cause you to enter into a potentially toxic ‘on-again, off-again’ relationship.”
17. DON’T SHARE BED WITH YOUR EX
Hooking up with your ex may seem fun and sexy and taboo while it’s happening, says Steadman, “but it only sabotages your recovery.” Don’t go there. We repeat, if you’re still in love with your ex, never hook up with her.
18. DON’T ADHERE TO THEIR STUFF
That old sweatshirt may be cozy, but the memories attached to it probably aren’t. Toss it, and any other mementos that bring you more pain than joy. Dispose of those items or donate to someone needy.
19. DON’T REVISIT YOUR FAVORITE SPOT
This is the geographic equivalent of holding onto the sweatshirt. Don’t specifically go out of your way to seek out a memory that will only hamper your healing.
20. DON’T LISTEN TO YOUR TUNE
There are about a million empowering single lady anthems out there, so why would you purposely revisit tunes that either remind you of them or remind you of how hard and sad love can be? Hard time but times to change your music tastes.
In a separation, it is the one who is not really in love who says the more tender things. No matter how bad you want a person, if your hearts are in two different places, you’ll have to pass and move on.
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